Top 10 things I've learned during my first month of unemployment

10. Applying to listed job openings is not a realistic way to get one.
9. If you are my friend on Facebook, I am monitoring your status updates in real-time and living vicariously through you. Unless, of course, you are cooking, cleaning, or doing laundry because that is already my life.
8. Dogs sleep all day and all night, waking up only to eat and play. Somehow it's totally acceptable that they are unemployed.
7. The only people at Whole Foods at 2:30pm are the elderly and stay at home moms toting children, all of which have compromised immune systems and have contracted swine flu. Avoid the sample trays like the plague.
6. Government holidays are no longer fun because postmen celebrate by not delivering the mail. Oh how I look forward to the noon delivery!
5. Chris is no longer self sufficient with meal planning or preparation making me the most highly valued member of the household, aka THE BOSS. Sweet.
4. Wedding presents make you feel good. Whether given out of love, obligation, or a little bit of both, all intentions do the trick equally as well. And they just keep coming!
3. Telling people you are unemployed is a buzz kill. Instead, it is better to tell them you are a drug dealer because it's much more interesting and you're likely to get invited to parties.
2. There is a direct correlation between the total batches of cookies one eats and the number of pounds one can expect to gain.
1. After losing a job you will go through the five stages of loss - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's also a good idea to add a sixth stage - enjoyment. Turn unemployment into (f)unemployment.